I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
