I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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