I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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