We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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