dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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