I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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