goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
