sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She announced her abortion via fbk
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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