Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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