That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
