No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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