I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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