I haven't been this sober since birth.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
