I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She bit a glass in half.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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