im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
