Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
