Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its liver damage thursday
Randomize