so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
