just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
