They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
