I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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