i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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