all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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