I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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