Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize