Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize