: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
