i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just want to make out with him forever
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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