Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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