Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
