once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
