Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
