Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
