There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
