my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
