it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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