Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
