My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
