I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
