I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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