i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
