note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You are a booty call, not a friend.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize