fuck your aforementioned shoe
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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