how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
