Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize