I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
