i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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