Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
