haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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