so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
