The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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