that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
