so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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