she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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