dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is Oprah even human
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
