Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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