He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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