She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
home. puking in laundry basket.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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