Heybabeimwearingurpanties
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
