I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
