conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
