I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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