Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
