I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
