youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
