My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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