I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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