Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
