Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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